How do I do it all?

So I get asked that question alot.  ALOT.  How do I do it all?  The answer is, I don’t do any of it very well.  At least, not in my view of things.  The fact is, I still have so many emotions that simply remain bottled up, for fear if one escapes, they all will, and all hell will break loose.  Few days go by when the trauma of what you, Miss M (and me as your mom, and your brother, and your dad, by extension) have gone through so far doesn’t bubble to the surface, I let a single tear or two escape, and then I push it aside – too much to be done to wallow.  But once in a while, I’m reminded of it a bit more strongly.  Usually when I get that question – how do you do it all?  How do you keep such a calm attitude when your baby is going through so much?  How do you balance work and family (and this last from people who don’t even have a clue what I’m dealing with at home) – I really have to fight to keep down the tears.  How do I do it all?  Not very well.  But what I can do is be your ROCK.  That is what I can do.  And that is what I will continue to do for you, sweet Miss M.


Separation anxiety

You’re doing great right now, Miss M.  You’ve been putting on over a pound a month, which is well above the standard growth curve, you were at the 3rd percentile for weight when you were 6 months old, and now at 9 months you are closing in on the 10th percentile!  It’s amazing what an extra 20% in calories will do (fortifying your formula to 24 calories/oz).  Other than the occasional ear infection or teething pain, you seem to be feeling well, too.  With one exception.  You’ve started to develop separation anxiety.  Don’t get me wrong, you have never liked being left on your own – actually, that is getting better now, and sometimes you’ll hang out on your playmat for up to an hour (provided there is suitable entertainment).  But you were cool with anyone holding you, as long as there was a warm body and a friendly smile.  But now, you’ve started crying when I leave you at daycare.  Actually, you cry when we enter the room because you know I’m going to leave you there.  And that’s so hard for your momma, baby girl.  I work because it’s what I know.  I’ve never thought of myself as the stay-at-home mom-type, to be honest.  I get bored of baby coos, tired of your brother’s endless 3 year old games.  But I am having some separation anxiety myself – I’m worried that your childhood is going to be over too quickly.  That I’m going to miss it and regret it.  Just quit work – if only it were that easy.  Your daddy wants to make sure both you and your brother can afford college, and that we can afford retirement and future medical bills.  Quitting work feels like walking off a cliff into the unknown.  I don’t know if I’d be able to make this career climb again, and I’m certain that I will want to when you and your brother are in school and have less time for me.  So I guess I’ve been feeling some separation anxiety of my own.  Trying to figure out how to be all things to all people – a partner to your dad, a productive employee to my work, and a good mom to you and your brother.