The grief pit

Some days I still feel like I can’t climb out of the pit of grief.  Instead, I dive into it, using blogs, facebook, scifinder (yes, I am a scientist!), other internet resources to seek out more information about Klippel-Feil syndrome, about parenting children with special needs, about how to do this.  And I find amazing things on some days.  Today, I found another mom to toddler baby girl with an even rarer genetic condition which caused congenital structural deformities.  I glanced around her blog, surprised to see some of the same topics I’ve posted on here.  Wow.  We’ve had some of the same experiences.  Fantastic!  Ok, not fantastic, but you know what I mean.  I also did some looking into the genetic tests that are being ordered at your next surgery.

But somehow, after indulging myself, letting myself do a little “mom of a child with extra medical needs”, I just feel sick afterwards.  Like I’ve had 3 too many glasses of wine.  Too much, too fast.   It sure was “fun” while I was doing it, but where did those two potentially productive hours go?  I shouldn’t even have those two hours to spare – web surfing while my kids are at daycare.  Let’s not even talk about the work I’m supposed to be doing.  So I get this lovely combination of emotional overload, due to the nature of what I am browsing, and guilt, due to feeling like I have so many more important things I need to be doing.

This happens often on days when I spend part of my normal working hours with Miss M at a medical appointment.  Today it was Early Intervention.  Two hours of discussion of your milestones, your goals – should be every mother of young baby’s goal and dream in life!  Instead, even though you are doing great, it just ends up leaving me drained, with the subprocess running in overdrive.

 

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