It’s hard on a marriage

I’ve heard all of the cliche’s about how hard having a child is on your marriage.  And, they are true.  Somewhere, I probably also heard that going through major medical issues with one of those children is even harder.  That’s true too.  And, now I realize why and want to explain to you, Miss M, should your dad and I not make it “til death do us part”.

It struck me today, as I was leaving a doctor’s appointment, frustrated by your father’s way interacting with the medical staff, and him frustrated with me, why this is so hard.  Most married couples aren’t put into these situations.  Most married couples don’t have to sit in a doctor’s office, have a ten minute conversation with a highly trained individual who is going to cut apart your child, and hopefully sew them back together again in the right way, hoping that we thought up all of the right questions to get all of the answers we need to get our baby through this ordeal.  Most married couples don’t have to leave the office, suppressing their fears, their emotions, their worries, not talking to each other about them, because quite honestly, the other person can’t take it either, and the other person doesn’t have any answers, just frustration of their own which might boil over with just the slightest little addition of your own emotions.  So it begins to feel like there is this whole part of you that you are not acknowledging, because you aren’t able to talk about these things, and you can’t rely upon the other person to help you – they are in their own pain, dealing with it in their own way.  It takes the utmost care and consideration and devotion to truly understand how another individual deals with their pain.  When you are in a position of grief, fear and pain of your own, it’s hard to take on another being’s pain as well.

All of this makes it sound like your fault, my sweet Miss M.  And that would only be true if you somehow chose to be the way you are; clearly you didn’t, you had no say or responsibility in the matter. At the same time, nothing you do or don’t do could affect our general discontent with the cards that you have been dealt in this life.  So never worry your sweet little head, never think of our discontent as your fault.

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